Has anyone ever said to you, “Why don’t you just get a grip and control yourself so you can lose weight?!” Or if they haven’t said it to you, have you ever heard someone say “So and so is a bit of a fatty but really just needs to exercise some self-control. Why can’t they just stop eating?”
Ok, I can see several hands raised out there, so here’s the next question – if someone said this to you, did it inspire you to take better care of yourself? Did it raise your spirits and encourage you or did you paste a smile on your face, go home and do a bit of emotional eating, maybe eating half a cake?
I’ve heard this many times before, not only directed to me but also in passing about other people. Here’s the problem I see with it – telling someone who is overweight to simply “get a grip and stop eating” or asking them “why can’t you get control of yourself?” neither lifts that person up nor helps them see that you truly care about them. Instead it effectively reduces the complex issue of overweight and overeating to a solution of will power and self-control, while neither are the solutions.
Oh, and before we go any further – no, of course I don’t recommend calling anyone “fatty”. I think you’ll get this but thought I’d better note it for those who are reading here at Fearless Fat Loss for the first time. I’m using this term because I’ve heard people utter the same words as my title (actually, a bit worse).
Overweight = No Control, Right?
How many people do you know who are highly intelligent and successful in their careers and are also overweight? How many overweight folks do you know who are wonderful, loving parents, who are upstanding neighbors and members of your community, are business owners, students, entrepreneurs, and even psychiatrists and physicians? Don’t these people exercise self-control in order to accomplish everything they do each and every day?
I think you get the picture. 😉 You see issues with food and overweight are not about self-control but instead could be about one or several issues such as emotional eating, negative subconscious beliefs, low self-esteem, a lack of self-love, food addiction (chemical and/or emotional), or if you’re really lucky the only problem is a lack of education about nutrition and exercise.
They Don’t Mean Harm
When people tell you that, “You just need to get it together and exercise some self-control”, they don’t always mean to hurt you. It could be that they care about you so darned much that they feel very frustrated by not being able to do anything to help you. Or it could be that they have never had an issue with overeating or overweight and therefore cannot comprehend what it is like to have one part of yourself saying you want to lose weight and the other part of yourself asking, “why can’t I stop eating?”
If someone truly does mean to harm you with these comments the best thing you can do is remember that anything that anyone ever says is more about them than it is about you. Therefore it is in your own best interest to remain conscious of how you’re feeling, recognize if this triggers your desire to emotionally eat, and then proceed to either journal about it or do something else until the desire passes. This is something that is covered in depth in the Shrink Yourself program – how to avoid emotional eating when triggered by others (for more information, see my Shrink Yourself emotional eating experiment series).
Are You Doomed?
I think that if you buy into the thought that you’ll always be overweight because you don’t have control of yourself then you won’t make a whole lot of progress towards your weight loss goals. This is pretty much a defeatist way of thinking and it’s a false statement anyway. I suggest that instead of spending any time on this limiting thought that essentially diminishes your personal power to effect change in your life, that instead ask yourself, “What steps can I take to improve my health and fitness today?” These can be baby steps that you take towards improving your health now.
Part Two Tomorrow
I have a couple more thoughts on this topic so stay tuned for tomorrow’s post when we’ll look at an example of how you actually could feel like you’re out of control when it comes to overeating. A contradiction with today’s post? No, not really, you’ll understand tomorrow. 😉
What About You?
So has anyone has ever told you that you need to get a grip and just use some self-control so that you can lose weight? How did you feel after hearing this? Did it inspire and help you, or did you feel a negative emotion?
Or maybe you believe that self-control is what it’s all about? That there isn’t a mental, emotional, or physical (food addiction) component to weight loss? Go ahead and leave your thoughts in a comment.
Thanks for visiting my blog and pointing me to Karen, it was nice to meet you.
Scrapping Servants last blog post..* Sign-in Here *
There’s definitely a mental, emotional and physical component.
I guess I’ve had ppl say those words to me but I’ve blanked them out!
Andrew is getting fits last blog post..Weigh in
You nailed it in the last paragraph. You beat me to it. It is an addiction. If it were just that easy, we’d all be skinny barbie dolls. Why doesn’t a drug addict, just exercise some self control and get themselves together? Why doesn’t an alcoholic just not drink?
You have to be mentally ready to take this journey. And, even stronger to stick with it.
Nadines last blog post..Monday’s Top 10 – Snacks
@Scrapping,
Sure, np, thanks for your comment, too!
@Andrew,
Hi, yep, I think the same – all 3 components play into it, and we haven’t even talked about the spirit, which is also a piece to the puzzle – being present and conscious of how you feel in the moment instead of automatically jumping to the food.
Nadine,
Hi, exactly!! 😉 You know how people do try to say “why doesn’t so and so just stop drinking” and I think that most people would see the folly in even saying that, but when it comes to food addiction (for me that’s refined sugar and white flour mainly), I think that there are many more people who do think, “hey, why don’t they just stop?”
This is why I keep bringing up the topic of how refined sugar creates the same reaction in the brain that opiates do – and since this has been medically tested and proven, why isn’t food addiction given more respect? That’s the question… 😉
And people don’t seem to recognize that food addiction is absolutely THE HARDEST addiction to overcome. Does an alcoholic HAVE TO have three square drinks a day in order to survive? Does a drug addict have to shoot up a few times a day (but not too much)? No. Food addicts have to face their demons every day, all the time. There’s no running away from it.
Jens last blog post..A Lesson from the Time Traveller
Hi Jen,
Yeah, food addiction is something that is a daily issue, except that I don’t think that ALL food is addictive – I don’t know about you but I’ve never binged on raw broccoli, but I have binged on anything that contains refined sugar, white flour, dairy, is very salty/sweet/crispy/fatty, or fatty – that stuff tastes good temporarily but it also sets up the addictive craving cycle.
However there could be people out there who do binge on raw broccoli – thankfully that’s not me so I do have peace when I stay off the addictive substances.
i’ve heard addiction likened to keeping a tiger in a cage. with an alcoholic or a junkie, that tiger’s just gotta stay locked up, but a food addict has to take it out three times a day, pet it nicely, and put it back in its cage, hoping it won’t bite. (no pun intended!)
i know it’s not quite that simple and that there are many more emotional/mental issues at play than just locking up an addiction. i like to think that the whole thing is a healing process and that one day eating won’t be such a scary thing for me, but i kinda like that metaphor. it reminds me that this is a struggle every day, and that it’s not something that i can hold ultimate control over – because really, who can tame a tiger 100%?
-peggy
peggys last blog post..the weight of the universe
Ooh…that comment by Jen really got me thinking. Food addictions are doubly hard as you have to eat!
Andrew is getting fits last blog post..A photo run!
Not just a few told me those words. But I still find eating as my way to please myself. I think there’s nothing wrong with that as long as I eat healthy foods. Maybe it’s just because of my metabolism.
Joes last blog post..Link Building in SEO
I have lost 60 lbs since November and what made me lose it and realize that I was a “fatty” was that when I would say I need to diet people didnt say oh you are fine you look great ect… I had let myself go. I am 6ft and now 126 lbs a little underweight but feel so much better. For me it was taking control of my eating. I had to be concious of everything I put in my mouth and know the calories. It has truly changed my way of thinking about food. I do slip up from time to time but the next day it is back on track. So from personal experience of someone who was overweight and is now underweight anyone can do it they just have to want to do it. Is it easy? No. Nothing worth having is.
Hi Peggy,
Yeah, I’ve heard that metaphor before. Might sound funny but in my experience not all food is addictive – I’m not addicted to raw broccoli but if I eat refined sugar and white flour then that’s going to trigger my food addiction.
When I keep the addictive food substances out of my diet then I don’t have a tiger to deal with. Now are there people who are addicted to raw broccoli and plain, broiled, nothing added chicken breasts? Could be, but I would have to see what would happen when they completely eliminated the addictive trigger ingredients from their diet…. 😉